Trying to Repair the Damage
First of all I would like to say thank you to everyone for your comments and emails when I took a break for a while. Your support means so much to me 
So now I am back, but after a trying couple of weeks. Things have been spiralling slowly downward and almost reached breaking point yesterday morning. Not with me so much, but with Daisy. And its been building for almost 4 weeks now.
To understand where we are now I need to take you back a bit in time, to when she first started school. She was young to be starting but the staff at her preschool assured me that she would be OK, and she was so outgoing and happy that I thought that the only issue she might have was academic. Social problems just weren’t on the radar for her. She was just a social little girl that talked to everyone and had no problems making friends.
Unfortunately, this all changed not long after she started school. Her teacher at the time had a terminally ill husband so was taking a lot of time off to look after him. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone, but lack of continuity with a teacher had a big impact on all the kids. They had a relief teacher on average 2 days per week for first term, and never the same teacher.
Her teacher’s husband passed away in the holidays at the end of term 1. She had four weeks off at the beginning of term 2 (understandably) and finally the class had one teacher for the whole 4 weeks. Then their teacher took all of term 3 off on Long Service Leave and they had a different teacher again, but at least for the whole term.
What I found out in term 3 from the relief teacher was that Daisy was being “punished” for needing to go to the toilet in class time. They had to go in pairs to the toilet so whoever was going with her was getting a sticker and Daisy was loosing one. This of course led to all sorts of toileting issues with Daisy, that we had never had before, and of course name calling and other teasing by the other children at school.
Apparently the teacher didn’t like Daisy and didn’t make much of an effort to hide the fact. Other kids in her class were going home and telling their Mums that they were glad they weren’t her because she got picked on all the time and being put down by the teacher, in front of the whole class. I also had to fight for her to get home readers as everyone else in the class had them except for her. When I asked the teacher about it, she told me Daisy was getting 33% of the words wrong so she wasn’t reading well enough to get one. As far as I could see this was going to turn into a viscous circle - she wasn’t reading well enough to get a home reader, but without it she wasn’t going to improve as much either. Yes, we could have just read books at home, but Daisy felt very left out that she didn’t have home readers and the other kids noticed too - so of course, more teasing. I put my foot down and told the teacher to give her home readers and I would accept full responsibility for her reading.
By the end of the year, my bright eyed, social little girl with all the confidence in the world was not recognisable. She had no confidence, was scared to try to learn anything new, wouldn’t talk to people, let alone look anyone in the eye. And her bright eyes were gone, replaced by murky depths of experience that just shouldn’t be there at her age. And she was angry all the time at home. She somehow managed to keep it together at school, but would come home and fall apart. She lashed out at the three of us all the time. I understood why and it broke my heart.
I did what I could to change things, but the school wouldn’t move her to another class as they said it was too late in the year. So we had to make the best of a bad situation and make sure that it didn’t get any worse again.
Daisy repeated Kindy at the same school and with a different teacher who was fabulous. She did repair some of the damage from the previous year but Daisy was still in contact with the teacher from the previous year. And she still seemed haunted and I know she was scared of the other teacher.
DH and I made the decision to move her to a different school. Not because we wanted to encourage her to run away from her problems, but because we wanted her to not have any contact with the other teacher and a change of scenery.
This is her third year at the new school and she has been thriving. She is doing so well on all fronts that the difference is staggering. I almost had the real Daisy back again. Until 4 weeks ago. When school went back at the end of April she started telling me every day that she didn’t want to go to school. And we had tantrums, not the tears and shouting type, but the digging her heels in, refusing to get ready and shrieking at the top of her voice tantrums. And taking 10 minutes to put on a pair of socks just to delay the inevitable of going to school.
Then 2 weeks ago she came home one day and told me her current teacher doesn’t like her. That signals the end of Daisy’s world and renews the fear in her that there might be a repeat of last time. We seemed to get through that OK after she and I talked about it and I have been keeping a watchful eye on Daisy to see how she is.
Until yesterday. I went in to wake her up and she told me she was feeling sick in the tummy and couldn’t go to school. The warning bells that had been a dull roar in the background in my head were suddenly getting louder. I convinced her that she needed to go to school and thought of a couple of things for her to look forward to. Then it came time to get ready and she dug her heels in again. And Just. Wouldn’t. Get. Dressed. Then the shrieking started. And kept going, and going, and going.
That was almost breaking point. So I went to see the Deputy Head yesterday to talk to her about my concerns regarding Daisy and my suspicion that something had happened, or was still happening, at school to make her so unhappy. The Deputy was great. She had a meeting with Daisy yesterday and they have come up with some things for her to do so that she is a bit happier at school. And some things to do at home to encourage her to get ready in the mornings. And I will talk to the school librarian to make sure that Daisy knows that the library can continue to be her sanctuary if she needs it.
I have a meeting with her class teacher next week and we will go from there. Fingers crossed that we can continue to repair the damage to her self esteem and spirit from that first year of school, rather than going backwards into the abyss that we were in.
I want my little girl back, the one with the bright smile and not afraid to try doing new things. The little girl who loves meeting new people and delights in her own achievements. And if I need to I will move heaven and Earth to make sure that it happens.
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That sounds tough…I hope all works out well for her and you! The first years can be so special to youngn’s it’s to bad that her first experience had to be so traumatic. I had an teacher that my older brother had had problems with, and the teacher just expected me to be just like him. It’s too bad, but I think that is what brought around my hatred (for lack of a nicer term) of arithmetic. Any how…I was just dropping by to let ya know your up for the rolling story of Anonymum’s.
Oh Gemisht. I’m blubbering all over the place. The poor kid. Life can be SO unfair. Keep fighting for her. She’s lucky to have such a special mum like you.
hugs hon.
Three words for ya.
Persistance, patience, chocolate………..
And whinge to your friends when you need to
Hey there
I am terribly sorry to hear of your problems with Daisy. I can emphasise because I was that girl- I was the one who the other kids made fun of.I still get told how bright and cheerful I was- i could take on the world until school when my light just went away.
I’m in my early twenties and I’m getting it back, it still exists but each day I grow a little more and the fire burns a little brighter (don’t worry its so late for a number of reasons!). I know Daisy will come through this! Is there anything extra curricular she might like to? Perhaps dancin g or netball, something that gets her participating with the other kids and achieving for herself (something I never realised how much I valued)
I will keep reading, best of luck and you’re all in my thoughts!
This is hard! I’m newer here but my heart ached for you and your daughter. As a mom of 3 I know there is NO worse aggravation than someone mistreating your child. It can drain you. She’s lucky to have a wonderful parent and advocate - they need that when they are little; especially when some ass clown is singling them out… Good job!!! Fantastic Job!
What Bettina said!
Teachers are supposed to be neautral which is what annoys the hell out of me…
Wow, to everyone, thanks for your comments. I am blown away by the support. It means heaps.
Cowgalutah - yep, noticed I had been tagged. I am working on it
And re the arithmetic, that was my worst subject at school, and now I am studying accounting - go figure LOL
Lightening - Thanks, and sorry I didn’t mean to make you blubber. I just wanted to share a bit of what’s been happening
Bettina - So, is the chocolate what gives me the strength to get through it all?? If so, bring on the chocolate
Anonymous - Thanks for sharing your story. My Mum had an awful time at school and she still talks about it now, 50-60 years later, so I know how much of an impact it can have. Sorry you had such a hard time, I know its been hard to watch Daisy go through it all.
Java - Thanks for visiting. And yes it is tough. The pure maternal instinct in me had to be quashed so that I didn’t punch the teacher’s lights out. That would not have been good, but its what I felt like doing.
Anonymum- Yup, they are. A good teacher can be great and a bad teacher can be catastrophic. I wonder if some of them realise the power that they have over young lives.
Good luck and ((hugs)) for you and Daisy.
We had similar probs with Feral Beast which weren’t dealt with properly at the school and they snowballed till we now homeschool him (best thing for him, he’s the happiest kid ever,now!). Hate to hear of any kid not enjoying school, it should be one of the best times of childhood and some teachers should be reminded it’s 2008 not 1908 !
There is no single thing that I detest worse in this world than a shitty teacher that mentally abuses children. I had a third grade teacher that ‘corrected’ me into being right handed with spankings and ruler slaps on a daily basis until I was no longer evilly left handed. Therefore I am extra diligent on the behavior of teachers towards my kids.
I hope that your young ‘un passes through the fire and returns to her happy smiley self. She has a leg up by having a caring family. Take Care.
Oh Gemisht what a heartbreaking story! I was so lucky with my daughters in that they never had a dud teacher for all of their primary years, except one relief teacher for one term. And all the kids so knew she was a dud that those she discriminated against didn’t take any notice, especially since they had all the other kids saying that that kind of behaviour was way out of line.
And it was never any competition between my child’s self esteem and the laws about going to school. They were allowed to stay home whenever they wanted, assuming we could organise for someone to be there with them. Good luck with sorting it all out.
I can’t even tell you how much I associate with this post.
Kids can be so cruel and teachers can be worse.
All you can do is be there for her (whether she wants you or not)
And pray.
We all want the very best for our kids and it hurts the heart when they aren’t thriving.
Hang in there, okay?
I feel your pain completely.
~m
Firstly BIG BIG HUGE HUGE HUGS !!!!!!!!
This has saddened me.
Children look to adults around them to protect them and build them up, not tear them down.
I feel for you.
Hugs for precious Daisy too.
forgot {{{{{hugs}}}}}}
~M
Oh dear God, my heart does flips just thinking about this
Poor Daisy…. and poor you. *hugs*
I hope you can get some resolution soon.
Very late in coming to this post, Gemisht. So sorry that your little girl had to go through this. My daughter had a rough transition when we moved schools, so I can truly understand how it is to have a miserable child not wanting to go to where all the pain is.
Is there any possibility you can be at school as a volunteer? That made a HUGE difference - in both how ‘Salina felt about going to school (she knew she might see me AND a bit of kudos in the playground) but also I could see how the culture of the school was affecting her - and I got a better relationship myself with the teacher, which did also help.
Good luck.
Sometimes teachers just don’t realise what a powerful impact they have on kids. We went through almost the exact same thing with Lily. I understand where you are coming from so well on this. We moved schools and then got a crappy teacher when she was in year one. It was devastating watching all of the good coming undone.